Sunday, June 28, 2009

After the Wedding...

I don't know if you know this or not but when you are a "Fat Ass" like me you notice things that other people do not notice. Like people will avoid talking to you or they act like your not there, even though you take up a tremendous amount of space. Kinda hard to miss. Anyway...
Driving home from my friend Bob's wedding and I wanted to talk to my husband some more about the surgery but I couldn't do it. I had written him a letter telling him how I have been feeling and how I needed him to fight for me. He hasn't said a word about it. I guess this is the part of why marriages crumble. When the other isn't on board and the other decides to go on. Well that is what I am doing. I have decided that my health is worth the fight with the insurance company and I am moving on. No I am not leaving my husband, what I am leaving is my old self behind. I can't wait for my husband to be there for me. Let's face it, he really isn't supportive of anything I do. I love him for his faults anyway. So Monday morning I am taking the first step in trying to get the VSG surgery. Please send your prayers my way that I will be approved.

With Love & Laughter,
Sunshine
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A Friends Wedding...

I went to a friends wedding today. It was a simple 2nd wedding for both of them and it was meaningful and well just plain simple. I have to admit I have been dreading going to this wedding for months! Not because I didn't want to support or encourage the union of my friend and his bride, but because I haven't seem him for almost 3 years and in that time I have gained almost 50 lbs.! I have been hiding because of the shame that I feel, the disgust! I hate this body! I have failed it and it has failed me. I hate fat people and I am one of them! Let me set the record straight, I'm not just 50 lbs. over weight. I am 161 lbs. over weight! I had nothing to wear in my closet that fit me. I do however have an entire closet filled with nothing but dresses and it shows my progression of my weight gain. It starts at a size 8 and goes to a size 26/28!

With Love & Laughter,
Sunshine
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Friday, June 19, 2009

So there is an exclusion in our insurance policy...

and it states they will not cover any Medical Weight loss unless it was deemed medically necessary. I want to fight it, but I don't know if I have that fight in me. I really want to have the surgery done in Mexico by a very highly renowned and recommend surgeon. However it would be self-pay and I do not have any money right now. I could ask my Mother-In-Law but she has already helped us out enough. Where does the money come from? If there are any angels out there, you can send me $12,000in cash, that would be great! That would be for the surgery and for the flight. Never hurts to ask. I am not beneath begging, I want this surgery so bad! One of the major reasons is that I haven't been able to conceive again in almost 2 years of trying. I do have a almost 3 year old but I have been told that unless I lose weight the likelihood that I will conceive again in very slim. I wonder if I may have also developed PCOS and it hasn't been caught yet. I don't know.  I went to an OB/GYN and all she said was I needed to lose weight. She did do a blood test and she said they came back normal. What is normal about leaky boobs when your not pregnant?

With Love & Laughter,
Sunshine
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I have decided to have WLS...

I have decided to have Weight Loss Surgery. I have chosed to have VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastroectomy). What it does is they cut out 75-85% of your stomach. There is no intestinal re-routing. They are simply stapling the stomach and removing the portion that makes you hungry. I will post the actual techincal wording later. The weightloss is slower than the other surgeries and that is a plus. As posted before I have been dealing with my weight for years and I have decided that I want to be healthy.  I'm so tired of not being able to buy clothes off the rack. If I do it is ugly t-shirts with big prints. I want to be able to buy bra's and panties that match! Something sexy. I just want to be normal and by normal I mean back into an 11-12 or a 9-10! I want to be able to use my knees without pain and not have my back ache everyday. I want to be able to get out of bed and not have my feet swell up in the middle of the night. I want to not worry that I am having a heart attack because of the excess weight on my heart.
I have been hiding in my home for almost 2 years. I have successfully avoided several events where others (my friends and aquaintences) would see me. I try and go to the store at night when most people are in bed or if I go during the day I will go to the store a town away. Does anyone related to me?
I'm not scared to have the surgery. My husband does not support me at all. I assume because he is afraid that I will leave him if I get thin. There is a very small chance of that happening. When you lose weight you shed more than just pounds. Sometimes you shed spouses. I made vows however that we would be together until the end and I take my vows very seriously.
I am not happy! It took my a long time to finally admit that I wasn't happy. I thought it was my marriage at first. It might still be a little bit of that, but I realized what I wasn't happy with was me and my weight! I cry daily. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't exercise because it kills my knees and back. I can't breath and I start to hyperventilate. I have tried everything under the sun and I am at my wits end and I am ready. Ready for my new life to begin. I just hope my husband gets on board.

With Love & Laughter,
Sunshine
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What Happened? Here is my story..

Well, I guess I should start from the top. I have a weight problem. I have been dealing with it all my life. It all started when I was in grade school. I developed boobs in the 3rd grade. I started my menstral cycle in the 5th grade. I had such a big growth spurt between 3rd-4th grade that I experianced true growing pains. They hurt so bad my parents took me to the ER. Not much they can do for growing pains but Tylenol and rest. But thats when it all started. The weight started to creep on. I was wearing a size 1 in the 5th grade. When the fall came and I was to go to the 6th grade I was in an 11-12. In the 6th grade! I was one of the largest girls in my class! I got plenty of attention for my boobs and then plenty of attention for my weight. I had a few friends, but who wants to stay friends with a fatty.. I pretty much stayed at an 11-12 throughout Jr. High. When I went in for my physical to start high school I was told that I was considered morbidly obese and at that time I was in a size 14. Travel through high school and I graduated wearing a size 18. Fast forward to today and I am now in a tight 26-28. What happened to me? Where did it all go wrong? What did I do or what did I not do to get to be the size that I am? I started dieting when I found out I was considered morbidly obese my freshman year of high school. I dropped a whole dress size. But that lasted a whole nano second. Then I gained it back and more. I did this all through school. I was active, I had gym, dance class and loved riding my bike. But still the weight was an issue. I worked 2 jobs after graduation and went to College. The weight crept on. I met and fell in love and the weigh came crashing on! So here I am...

With Love & Laughter,
Sunshine
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